Dispatches From Rick G

As I detailed in my last entry...I am engaged! I have never been so completely happy and excited in my life, as I have been over the last week and a half since our time together on Kelley's back porch. I think about her and Kya and Aidan and a huge, toothy smile just washes over my face. Even though the official ceremony is months away, I am truly feeling Jesus start to marry parts of who I am into whom they are...mind, body and spirit. There are chambers in my heart that I was not aware exists that are now occupied by my family. The fact that I can write those very words humbles me and brings light into my heart...that is why I am feeling horribly torn right now.

I am missing my family right now like I cannot possibly convey to you. I have always been a closet-introvert so-to-speak. I'm often content to be by myself when I am out of the public spotlight of ministry. But now my alone times are spent wrestling with reality of the horrible distance between Maryland and Michigan...between where my body is and where my heart aches to be. I guess it is the closest to separation anxiety I have ever experienced and it is absolutely exhausting me right now. If I am totally honest, I find myself thinking of Kelley and the kids constantly. Every song sings to me of them, every scent recalls a moment; every scene calls me back to them. I wonder what they are doing at any given moment and long to join them...no matter how mundane the reality of that moment may be. Just the chance to breath the same air, to occupy the same space, to share an embrace, facial expression...or a laugh. I have never craved presence like this before...

I love my life here in Annapolis. I have been blessed with some of the best friends and mentors that a guy could ask for. I love the environment here with the Naval Academy...the sailing culture...St. John's College...and most importantly, my church family at BACC. But as much as I have grown to love this place, I would trade all of it in an instant for the chance just to take Aidan to soccer practice, play "airplane" with Kya or just to lay on the couch with Kelley...embracing her and listening to the sound of her breathing. Even before our marriage, God has so intertwined my heart with theirs that my perspective on much has been redefined. I have begun to understand how selfish I truly am. Spending time with Kelley has taught me the meaning of the words “servant” and “sacrifice”. For her, they are not just a character attribute to be attained…but instead a daily reality lived out for the sake of others around her. I have so much to learn from her and sacrifice is just one of the ingredients of love that I am reflecting on. I cannot encounter Kelley without having my own character challenged…and I always come away from each moment and better man.

The last time I left Kelley, I felt as though my physical body was being torn in two. I am aware of how cliché' that sounds, but it is the only metaphor that works. I was more than sad...it was as though I was actually mourning the coming separation. I have shed more than a few tears since then...some out of happiness...some out of frustration. This love for my new family runs so deep that my heart is struggling to manage the distance. I am glad in a strange way though that I feel this way, because should one mourn separation from that which he loves most? At least that makes sense to me. I guess I am just writing this blog as a form of catharsis to help me cope with our one life being lived in two different worlds. I just long for the day that I can mow the lawn for them…the day that I can help the kids with their homework…the day that I do not have to book a flight in order to go home. I need to be present…and I need their presence. God is teaching me to trust His timing and His plan right now, and if I am honest I am grudgingly learning that they are worth waiting for…as He is worth waiting on.

April 18th cannot come fast enough, but I will wait…patiently…longingly…sacrificially. That is the language of love after all…and this torn-ness is the evidence of a future that God has shown me. This future comforts me and gives me pause to trust and obey…even when my emotions tell me otherwise. 

- R