Dispatches From Rick G

As I detailed in my last entry...I am engaged! I have never been so completely happy and excited in my life, as I have been over the last week and a half since our time together on Kelley's back porch. I think about her and Kya and Aidan and a huge, toothy smile just washes over my face. Even though the official ceremony is months away, I am truly feeling Jesus start to marry parts of who I am into whom they are...mind, body and spirit. There are chambers in my heart that I was not aware exists that are now occupied by my family. The fact that I can write those very words humbles me and brings light into my heart...that is why I am feeling horribly torn right now.

I am missing my family right now like I cannot possibly convey to you. I have always been a closet-introvert so-to-speak. I'm often content to be by myself when I am out of the public spotlight of ministry. But now my alone times are spent wrestling with reality of the horrible distance between Maryland and Michigan...between where my body is and where my heart aches to be. I guess it is the closest to separation anxiety I have ever experienced and it is absolutely exhausting me right now. If I am totally honest, I find myself thinking of Kelley and the kids constantly. Every song sings to me of them, every scent recalls a moment; every scene calls me back to them. I wonder what they are doing at any given moment and long to join them...no matter how mundane the reality of that moment may be. Just the chance to breath the same air, to occupy the same space, to share an embrace, facial expression...or a laugh. I have never craved presence like this before...

I love my life here in Annapolis. I have been blessed with some of the best friends and mentors that a guy could ask for. I love the environment here with the Naval Academy...the sailing culture...St. John's College...and most importantly, my church family at BACC. But as much as I have grown to love this place, I would trade all of it in an instant for the chance just to take Aidan to soccer practice, play "airplane" with Kya or just to lay on the couch with Kelley...embracing her and listening to the sound of her breathing. Even before our marriage, God has so intertwined my heart with theirs that my perspective on much has been redefined. I have begun to understand how selfish I truly am. Spending time with Kelley has taught me the meaning of the words “servant” and “sacrifice”. For her, they are not just a character attribute to be attained…but instead a daily reality lived out for the sake of others around her. I have so much to learn from her and sacrifice is just one of the ingredients of love that I am reflecting on. I cannot encounter Kelley without having my own character challenged…and I always come away from each moment and better man.

The last time I left Kelley, I felt as though my physical body was being torn in two. I am aware of how cliché' that sounds, but it is the only metaphor that works. I was more than sad...it was as though I was actually mourning the coming separation. I have shed more than a few tears since then...some out of happiness...some out of frustration. This love for my new family runs so deep that my heart is struggling to manage the distance. I am glad in a strange way though that I feel this way, because should one mourn separation from that which he loves most? At least that makes sense to me. I guess I am just writing this blog as a form of catharsis to help me cope with our one life being lived in two different worlds. I just long for the day that I can mow the lawn for them…the day that I can help the kids with their homework…the day that I do not have to book a flight in order to go home. I need to be present…and I need their presence. God is teaching me to trust His timing and His plan right now, and if I am honest I am grudgingly learning that they are worth waiting for…as He is worth waiting on.

April 18th cannot come fast enough, but I will wait…patiently…longingly…sacrificially. That is the language of love after all…and this torn-ness is the evidence of a future that God has shown me. This future comforts me and gives me pause to trust and obey…even when my emotions tell me otherwise. 

- R

Hello...my name is Rick and I am engaged to be married.

I am writing this blog at midnight...just having returned from a whirlwind week that has literally changed my life and my heart forever! Most of you know that God has led me to the woman who will be my wife. Her name is Kelley and she is without a doubt the most beautiful and precious person that Jesus has ever given me the grace to discover. I could wax poetic forever about all that transpired last week, but I would just like to share with you a couple of thoughts I have about where my heart is...

I have to be honest...I still have no earthly idea why God would allow someone as beautiful and brilliant as Kelley to enter into my life. I guess I just need to be humble enough to accept that Jesus is just that good. Many times God is mysterious and even amorphous when He moves in my life. Up to this point, He has been anything but vague in the manner in which He has drawn our two hearts together. It seems as though we trip over Him at every turn and that our encounters together are filled with moments in which God winks and smiles on us. As my friend Greg sometimes says...it's as though God has been showing off in our lives.

On Friday night, I asked this amazing woman...this unbelievable example of Jesus with skin on, to be my wife. She said yes and I cannot express the explosion of joy that continues to erupt inside my heart knowing that she and I were created for one another. I want to share with you how I asked her, because I truly felt that God was thick the air as we shared one of the most important steps in our lives.

I had been thinking of asking Kelley to be my wife for a couple of weeks now. I had planned out a really "romantic" way to ask her to spend forever with me...I had all the thoughts that I would assume every man has when asking the most important question of his life to the woman he knows that he cannot live without. And then I had another thought…how would Jesus ask Kelley to join Him forever? God has been so incredibly gracious to us in our short time together that I knew that the moment should be about Him…about His love…about our story entwining itself in His. I prayed and thought and I realized how He would do it…how He does it to each of us every day of our lives with Him.

Kelley and I spent the evening eating at her favorite restaurant. We enjoyed a fantastic meal and a wonderful bottle of wine. We laughed and smiled and stared unapologetically at each other…unable to wrestle our gaze from the other. I had an opportunity to ask her mother and father for Kelley's hand and they called earlier to encourage my heart and pray for me. Randy and Wendy did more than give their blessing to me…they welcomed me into their family and spoke such beautiful words of love to me. They love Jesus so much and their phone call to me was humbling and beautiful. I cannot wait to call them Mom and Dad.

After dinner, we went to an outdoor massage parlor and received 30 minutes of pampering. Then we drove back to Kelley's house. The kids were over at our friend Ellen's for the evening and I knew that we would have an opportunity to be alone. I had no doubt what her response would be, yet I was just so incredibly nervous about being faithful to Jesus…to Kelley…to Kya and Aidan…to our friends and family that I wanted to speak to her with humility, grace and love. I wanted to show her exactly how I felt about who she is to me and who we are to each other. I wanted to leave no doubt in her mind/heart/spirit about my intentions and affections for her. And I decided to do this by washing Kelley's feet…the way Jesus would.

I realized earlier that Jesus would wash Kelley's feet. I knew in the deep places of my heart that He had always washed her feet and I would be an instrument in His hand to accomplish that love. His love for her has been so evident in her life with Ed…his passing…and her moving on to live life bravely and faithfully. He has washed her feet with the love and support of her family that have nurtured and championed her heart even when they felt most inadequate to do so. He has washed her feet with the loving attention and protection of her closest friends that have spent their tears and prayers fighting on her behalf. He has washed her feet most of all through the lives of Kya and Aidan who sing a constant song of Ed's legacy and love into her life. He has washed her feet through the support and prayers and emails and gifts of love that those who know Kelley cannot help but give to her…out of love…respect…and awe for the beacon she has been for the last 2 years. And now…despite my lack of self-confidence…He is washing Kelley's feet through my feeble efforts to love her and accept love from her. And in doing so, he is washing my feet as well.

I led Kelley to the back patio of her home…and sat her down on one of her deck chairs. The evening was cool and calm and you could hear the distant chatter of people laughing, dogs barking and life being lived in the distance…but for a moment it was just she and I…in the arms of a loving, intimate God. I asked her to trust me and close her eyes for a few moments. She did without hesitation. The notion that Kelley trusts me with her heart and spirit means more than I can convey to you. I left her for a moment to go inside her house to fill a basin with warm water and grab a small bowl and towel that I had brought with me from Maryland. I was praying so hard that my actions and words would reflect how I felt so clearly that Kelley would feel the weight of my love…and God's love for her pouring out of me.

I returned back to her and knelt silently before her. The magnitude of the moment was starting to reveal itself to me at this point and I just wanted to try and stay composed. Kelley was sitting quietly before me and I could not comprehend how this impossibly beautiful person was with me. I gently removed her sandals and started to quietly and intentionally wash and rub her feet. As I massaged each foot I thought about the weight that had been carried so gracefully on them for such a long time. I thought about the distances they had walked in order to follow a God that does not always make perfect sense to us. I imagined how those footprints provided a path for the two smaller sets through the most heart-rending periods I could possibly imagine…and yet…they still walked on.

It was at this moment…when I considered the path that Kelley and her beautiful children had walked that my composure collapsed. I realized that I wouldn't carry Kelley through life. I am not the hero of this story; I am just the one who is blessed to walk beside her as life unfolds itself before us. Jesus is the hero…I am just being rescued along side her. I started to weep as I looked up at Kelley who had tears streaming down her face. I stared for a second and confessed to her with my voice trembling, that I did not have much money. I most likely never will. I don't have many things to offer her and cannot give her all that I feel she deserves in life. All I have for her is a towel and basin and an overwhelming desire to fight myself for her and for the kids. I told her that I want to have her children as my own, and for her to have my children. I want to grow old with her. I want to have everything that is in her inside of her in me and offer her myself in return. I asked her at that point to be my wife…and she said, "Yes" through tear soaked eyes and a voice that struggled to gather itself.

Kelley confessed that she did not feel like that she deserved me. She could not understand why I would have chosen her from everyone else. My heart was breaking and I told her that there was only ever her. There was no one else. I had never kissed another woman. I had never used the words "love" towards another woman…I had never given my heart and my affection and my willingness to fight against myself to another woman. Because to this point, no one has ever been Kelley…and I am the one who is totally unworthy in this relationship…but maybe that is how we should feel about each other. As though God made has blessed us to the point of guilt because of our own mutual unworthiness.

We spent the next moments hugging and crying and kissing and being thankful that this God who brought us together so beautifully, now danced in and through and all around us. Kelley will be my wife and I will be her husband. I will, after a life dedicated to nurturing other peoples children, have the honor of helping to raise and love Kya and Aidan. I will be part of a family that lives with such dignity and strength that I cannot help but shake my head. Jesus will be the hero of this story…our story…his story.

My best friend Pete shared with me this bit of advice. He said if I wanted to serve Jesus I should remain single. But if I wanted an opportunity to be like Jesus, I should get married. I will have a chance to be like Jesus. I love her so much…

And yes, we have…April 18th, 2008.

- R